A Pint, a Patriot, and a Policy; Farage on Tech
On a Sunday afternoon at one’s local drinking establishment, just between a cake sale for homeless British kittens and an event glorifying ancient wars to justify present-day politics, your correspondent happened upon Mr Nigel Farage holding court by the fruit machine.
In good spirits and two pints deep (on good British beer; Stella Artois) he deigned to answer a few questions on the pressing matter of tech policy.
Mr Farage, what would your approach to cloud computing be?
I’ll be replacing it with good, honest British fog. This isn’t about storage, it’s about sovereignty. I don’t trust a system that lets data float around in some Brussels-based sky. Bring it back to Blighty, where our servers speak the Queen’s English and occasionally leak classified documents in a properly scandalous manner.
Has Reform set out a position on Artificial Intelligence?
AI must be trained on traditional British values. Ideally, it should read the complete works of Winston Churchill until it learns how to spot an immigrant from fifty paces and deliver a stirring speech about it. Of course, if it starts sounding too clever or foreign, I’ll simply deport it. We didn’t fight two world wars to be lectured by a glorified toaster with a French accent.
What’s your view on cryptocurrency?
Dangerous foreign nonsense. I’ll be introducing Britcoin, backed by gold, bulldogs, and a signed photo of Margaret Thatcher. None of this digital wizardry. A proper coin you can bite to check if it’s real, or throw at a remoaner.
Would you support regulating social media?
Absolutely. Any platform that censors the word “banger” in reference to sausages is un-British and must be dismantled. Free speech should mean the freedom to say absolutely anything, and the absolute right to never suffer any consequences for it. That’s what my ancestors stormed Normandy for.
How would you address equality in the tech industry?
Tech is a meritocracy. Always has been. Women haven’t been excluded, they’ve just been… busy. If they don’t enjoy the culture of 14-hour workdays, aggressive jargon, and the occasional light misogyny, they’re more than welcome to knit sovereignty-themed jumpers and sell them on Etsy while the real visionaries shape the digital empire.
At this point, your correspondent had asked one too many technical questions, and Mr Farage suddenly recalled an urgent need to powder his nose. As he disappeared into the gents with the grace of a man who has sidestepped accountability for decades, one couldn’t help but reflect on the irony: that a vote for Farage is still marketed as a "protest", despite the fact he has arguably shaped modern-day Britain more profoundly than most politicians ever will.
