Co-op Heroically Foils Cyberattack...By Turning It All Off

It has transpired that Co-op thwarted a sophisticated cyberattack on its network with a breathtaking display of technical prowess: it turned everything off. All of it.

As reported by the BBC. Faced with the digital equivalent of a burglar with a crowbar, Co-op executed an elite manoeuvre known in IT circles as the “Stop, Drop, and Power Off”.

In a stroke of genius that will no doubt be studied in cybersecurity courses for decades, Co-op is said to have powered off its entire server infrastructure

…presumably by yanking the plug like a panicked dad in a thunderstorm.

One insider described it as “like fixing a leaking shower by turning off the stopcock and going to the pub”; Effective and convenient, but by no means hygienic.

Speaking to the only software engineer we could find willing to comment before going to press, Dirk Cunningham, stated

"Personally, I this as vindication for never switching to the cloud. You wouldn’t be able to pull a stunning manoeuvre like this with the redundancy that the likes of AWS and Azure provide"

Co-Op are slowly bringing systems back online. When asked if this strategy might be deployed again, a spokesperson replied, “Only if absolutely necessary…or if somebody trips over the extension cable that powers our server racks.”